Dad on river cruises

Dad- "The vikings used to travel up those rivers and pillage... now they have viking river cruises? That's like having a Nazi day trip..."

Breakfast

Dad and his Cheetos cereal.
Need I say more?

Out of thousands of sperm...

My parents came up to Waterloo and took me out for dinner. With a normal family you might talk about work or how school is going. Not with my father.
I think it started with talking about personalities and somehow wound up getting to a point where my father started talking about procreating...again....
Dad- "You know Heather, you wouldn't have been you if it were any other moment"
Me- "What do you mean Dad.."
Dad0 "Out of thousands of sperm in a lifetime, this one made you"

Papaya seeds are edible.

For some reason Santa likes to bring us each an exotic fruit for Christmas. In his stocking this year, my dad got a papaya fruit.
I finally peeled and cut it for him this morning because it was going bad and he refused to do it himself because it is apparently "too much like doing paperwork." How peeling fruit is like paperwork I do not know but I guess he would rather do his crossword no matter what.
Anyways, I have cut it and it is now sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. I briefly spoke with my father about how odd the seeds of the fruit looked, then proceeded to go sit in the living room leaving my Dad alone with the papaya.

A couple minutes later we hear a gagging then a puking sound coming from the kitchen. Lo and behold there is Dad almost puking into the kitchen garbage.
Heather- "Woooah Dad are you okay?? What did you do??"
Dad- "Blehchchaskdjlf I ate the papaya seeds.. blechalkdsjf"
Mom- "ooh are papaya seeds poisonous???"
Dad- "NO They're fine to eat! but they tasted like onions.. then got worse..."


Way to go Dad.

Secretly a 3-year-old

I was talking to him on skype when all of a sudden his video turned off and the sound went dead.
"Dad? Are you there? Can you hear me?"
Skype chat tells me he's typing and a minute later I get this message:

I just don't want to talk anymore.

64 generations

My dad told me today that if you go back 64 generations back, there would have had to have been more couples to produce you than there were people on the earth! Meaning lot's and lot's of interbreeding.
At first I didn't understand so he proceeded with "ok so it took at least one act of sex to produce you" and looked at my mother.

Destroyer of the Earth

Our dad loves to kill the planet.
Or at least that is the way it seems...
He doesn't do it on purpose. I guess he just really likes beans.
He once told me "I'm a one man reason for climate change!"- following a fart.

Classy dad. Really classy...

A Little Bit o' Background

Hello!

I'm Veronica, and you'll see my sister, Heather, around here too.

We decided that our dad is just too random and weird not to share with the internet. So we're going to collect an assortment of strange but true stories of our father.

You should probably know a little bit about him. He has a very deep, monotone voice; that's probably where most of the hilarity comes from. I once had a friend who had only ever heard my dad's voice and was convinced he was a huge biker dude because of it. He's really calm and never gets worked up about anything. He's only ever yelled at us once, and that was quite the shock!

And here's your first sample of our awesome, hilarious dad:

Enjoy!